Is Your Relationship Healthy?- Important Questions to Ask Yourself

By Kami Teramura, Community Education Director at Hope Pregnancy Center

Healthy, long-term relationships are some of the greatest joys in life.  They are often the best indicators of a person’s quality of life and the strength of their support systems.  Childhood experiences and/or romantic histories are not always full of kind, compassionate love, nor has  everyone had access to healthy role models of strong relationships.  Even for those who have been fortunate to have healthy relationships modeled for them, everyone can benefit from some guidance when it comes to building up and maintaining long-term relationships.  Remember, no relationship is perfect all the time – they all have ups and downs, but strong, lasting relationships will typically be established and endure when certain elements are in place.

1. TRUST

Your ability to depend or rely on someone is vital to establishing a healthy long-term relationship.  

Ask Yourself these Questions:

Can you trust that your partner has the integrity to follow through with their words and commitments? 

Are they the same person in private as they are in public?  

Can you also trust that they will not take advantage of you when you are vulnerable, but will seek to protect your well-being and do what is in their power to meet your needs?  

If you often feel manipulated, unsupported, or on-edge about how your partner may or may not respond to you, then consider these feelings as red flags that need to be addressed if the relationship is to progress any further. 

2.  SIMILAR VALUES AND GOALS

Similar values and goals between partners act like rebar in poured concrete slabs, imparting strength and resiliency to the relationship.  While it is generally true that opposite personalities are attracted to each other and bring balance to the relationship, people with opposite value systems, priorities, and goals are more likely to face contention and turbulence in their relationship. 

Ask Yourself these Questions:

Have you been able to share your deepest hopes and dreams with your partner and do you know theirs?

Do you and your partner have life goals and priorities that mesh and compliment each other, or will one person’s dreams dictate the path of the relationship?

Are your partner’s core values (i.e. work ethic, moral standards, relationship with money, etc.) similar to yours?   

It takes time to uncover the full range of values and goals of another person, so setting and communicating physical intimacy boundaries early in a relationship will give each of you a chance to get to know one another with your head as well as your heart before a commitment to one another is established (this can save a person from a lot of grief down the road!)  

3.  OPEN AND HONEST COMMUNICATION

In healthy relationships there is a constant flow and sharing of ideas, feelings, wants and needs from both partners.  This will only occur if both people feel safe to express their thoughts and emotions. 

Ask Yourself these Questions:

Are both you and your partner committed to being proactive in your communication, addressing issues head-on instead of staying silent and harboring feelings of bitterness and anger?

Do you feel heard when you express your ideas and feelings to your partner? This does not mean that they agree with everything you say, but that they acknowledge you and appreciate your view and input.

Are both you and your partner willing to acknowledge what is true in a circumstance and take responsibility if you are in the wrong?  Keep in mind, being gracious and kind is often more “right” than forcing the other person to admit that you are right.

As much as possible, communication should be truthful and uplifting.  Every relationship will face conflict at some point, but demeaning words, personal attacks, and threats should never be tolerated.  Frequent expressions of appreciation, compassion, forgiveness, and gratitude are essential for bringing out the best in each other and maintaining healthy channels of communication.

4.  MUTUAL RESPECT

Each person in a relationship is significant and has their own unique needs, perspectives, and expectations to contribute to the partnership.  Therefore, the relationship is best served when both people feel seen and heard and can maintain their individual identity.   It is healthy to set boundaries in relationships that honor personal needs such as privacy.  

Ask Yourself these Questions:

Does your partner give you time and space to engage in separate hobbies/interests or activities with friends?

Is there an equal give-and-take in your relationship that indicates both of you are looking out for the interests of the other?

Do you and your partner honor your differences (i.e. morning or night person, personal love language, physical strength and endurance, talents)?   

When a couple acknowledges and accommodates each other’s time, resources, strengths and limitations, the strength of the relationship is multiplied, becoming greater than the sum of its parts.  

5.  SACRIFICIAL COMMITMENT

The initial passion that marks the start of a new relationship will progress toward a deeper, sustaining love and intimacy as each person demonstrates a sacrificial commitment to the relationship.  In society, marriage is still recognized as the ultimate form of commitment. Economic and health studies reveal over and over again that marriage holds significant advantages for couples and their children (longer lives, greater wealth and stability, etc).  Healthy relationships will be a refuge and sanctuary because each person is committed and willing to do their part to make the relationship work.

Ask Yourself these Questions:

Have you witnessed your partner making sacrifices for you?

Does your partner have a willingness to give freely, or do they try to keep score?

If you are dating, has your partner expressed a desire to fully commit to your relationship…even bringing up the topic of marriage?

In healthy relationships, both people are committed to working through conflicts and doing hard, responsible things despite how they may feel.  No one abandons ship when difficult situations arise.  A couple that faces life with a team mentality and makes room for one another will have a close and vibrant friendship that is hard to beat.  

WHEN THINGS GET HARD   

Of course, even committed relationships will experience seasons of change and not every relationship is healthy all the time. Times of stress, in particular, can lead to behaviors and coping mechanisms that create issues.  However, much of the time an unhealthy relationship can be restored back to health through:

• a deep and honest conversation (which may involve an apology), 

• an affirmation of commitment and forgiveness, 

• an expression of gratitude, and/or

• establishing a clear boundary.  

Building a healthy relationship will require a lot of humility, intentionality, and patient endurance, but the return on investment is one of the best and surest gains in life.  Right now is the best time to conduct an honest evaluation of your relationship to know if it will impart health to your future and, if the potential for health is there, to help it grow stronger and more intimate in the months and years to come.  

PERSONAL APPLICATION:

• Which of the elements listed above are in place in your relationship, and which ones are lacking? 

• Are both of you willing to admit when things need to be addressed for the health of the relationship and humble enough to take responsibility for your part in the matter?

• Whom do you respect as a healthy mentor and have available to turn to for relationship advice (not simply to air complaints about your partner)?

If abusive behavior takes place at any time in your relationship, it’s important to speak up and get help from outside sources.  Abusive behavior involves one person exercising power and control over another person with the intent to manipulate or cause harm.  You are not responsible (the cause) for your partner’s poor behavior.  Please feel free to contact Hope Pregnancy Center or connect with the resources listed below for help with dating violence and sexual or domestic abuse.

Restraining Orders or Victim Assistance:  

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to 88788

Malheur County Sheriff:  541-473-5125

Payette County Sheriff:  208-642-6006

Support (even for teens):

Eastern Oregon -  Project Dove: 541-889-6316

Western Idaho - ROSE Advocates: 208-414-0740

Need Relationship Support? Schedule an appointment with us by calling 541-889-4272.